How to Date in a Technological Age

(A response to Molly Templeton’s call for how-to pieces by women.)
 
When it comes to dating we know there are rules, and it just so happens that at this particular moment in our dating history, the rules are more complicated than ever before.

There was a time not so long ago when it was far less complicated. Lovers were separated by distance, and confessions of feeling could only travel slowly through this thing called the mail. This of course, was only after you had taken a considerable amount of time to actually write down, on paper, by hand, your thoughts. Because of this, there were many chances to second-guess yourself, to step back, clear your head, crumple that piece of paper up and throw it in the trash before breathing a sigh of heavy relief at your narrow escape from over-sharing.

We no longer live in that time. We live in a time where you can, at any moment you so choose, communicate with the person you like with just a tap your thumb. We think to ourselves, Yay progress! But we are wrong. Such access to say how we feel at the exact moment we are feeling it only opens us up to missteps, and subsequent meltdowns.

In an ideal world it would be okay to just tell people how we really feel. But love without games? Surely you jest. I'm confident there are some brave souls out there who have actually tried this approach. Whoever you are, I salute you. As for the rest of us, we’re cowards who painfully look at the clock until enough time has lapsed and we feel it's okay for us to text back an answer to the seemingly terrifying question of: Do you want to go to a movie tonight?

So if you (like me) are that person, here are The Rules:

Rule #1 - When to Move From Emails to Phone

If you’re emailing, you’re going to want to wait at least one day before writing back. You’re busy, and even if you’re not you want the other person to think you are. However, when you get to the point where the two of you are actually making plans, the rule is, cell phone numbers should be proffered. If you’ve set a date and time to meet for a drink and they never show up, you want to be able to call them to know if you should be really angry, or if they just got hit by a cab and are now in an ambulance en route to the hospital.

Rule #2 - How Long to Wait Before Texting Back/Amount of Texts

Texting is like tennis, and you send text for text like a ball across a net. You’re in a conversation of words on a screen, and it’s okay to keep it going. You will of course, inevitably reach the point when someone drops the ball and doesn’t write back. If it’s not you, you are allowed exclaim a la McEnroe, “You cannot be serious!” But fear not dutiful last-responder, if this other person knows the rules they’ll know that if they chose to end the text volley, it is now up to them to pick it back up (within the next three to five days is appropriate).

           

Rule #3 – Texting While Intoxicated

The hard and fast rule here is, never. I mean, you’ve been doing so well up to this point, cleverly crafting every perfectly timed response, why throw it all away now? It’s like running a marathon and halfway through just saying, screw it, I’m going to stop and go grab a slice of pizza. You’ve worked too hard for this to just throw it all away because of one too many vodka sodas! Texting under the influence always means mistakes will be made. The rule here is that once a drink is poured, power down.

*There is, of course, a loophole here. If you’ve decided that the only thing you really want out of this relationship is purely physical, then a drunken text is a surefire way to expedite the process of dating and get some action.

Rule # 4  - Skype

The ability for someone I’m interested in to see what I'm doing at any time of day scares me, which is part of why I refuse to replace my old laptop that was built before webcams existed. The only time video chatting is warranted is if the person you are dating lives in another country. And let’s be honest here, if you are dating someone who lives in another country, no amount of technology is going to make that relationship work. Get out while you still can.

Rule #5 – Google Chat

Ah Gchat, the instant messenger of the adult set. If you’re already emailing and texting with someone, online chatting can be excessive. You need to be able to leave at least one communication medium a no-bother-zone, especially if it’s one that a person might be on during office hours. Also with Gchat, there’s never a real endpoint to a conversation. Most of the time you chat for a while until eventually the little dot near someone’s name turns orange or they simply disappear. And everyone is OK with that. It’s like the silent understanding of Gchat. Gchat means never having to say goodbye. However, when you’re dating someone and they just disappear, well, that rule will go right out the window. The point is - all it takes is for one person to type “hey!” into one of those little boxes and hit send. Don’t be that person.

Rule # 6 – Emoticons

I get it, you’re trying to be cute. But if you’re not clever enough to convey that you’re happy or sad through actual words, putting a smiley face in there isn’t going to make me feel any better about what you’re trying to say. You didn’t see John Keats adding little faces with sunglasses at the end of witty lines in his love letters to Fanny Brawne, did you? The greatest communicators (and loves), didn’t need them. Assume you don’t either.

In short, love and relationships are complicated. Fortunately, you now have these rules to help you out. And don’t worry, if you mess up your current relationship because you over-texted, remember what Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another opens.”

But then again, he’s the guy who invented the telephone, which was basically the beginning of the end for relationships everywhere. 

That said, good luck out there. Odds are you're gonna need it.