RE: Bro's Craigslist Ad for Date to Wedding

New York Daily News headline for February 20, 2013:

BROTHERS’ HILARIOUS, BIZARRE CRAIGSLIST AD TO FIND DATES FOR COUSIN’S WEDDING GOES VIRAL, ELICITING MORE THAN 800 RESPONSES. 

“Dave, 28, and Mike, 24, originally of Albany, promise dates ‘eccentric/downright dangerous bro-2-bro dance moves’ and royalties once their night is turned into a romantic comedy. They say they are overwhelmed and need to sort through the deluge of replies.”

Whoa. Dudes. Thank you SO much for giving me this great idea for the next wedding I have to go to. All this time I’ve been going by myself, or you know, just asking someone I actually know. But what an idea to take an ad out and interview someone like it’s a job application. Nothing says romance quite like, “Feel free to include a resume!”

And I’ll give you credit, you’ve totally pegged the we’re-quirky-in-a-cute-and-endearing-way that women seem to love. Crazy Christmas sweaters! Bro-2-bro dance moves! And where did you guys get those American flag swim trunks? You guys are basically the Mr. Darcy of my generation. I mean, 800 responses so far? WITH a PowerPoint presentation?  Pure gold. With numbers like that you could put Match.com out of business.

I also appreciate how this is helping put our hometown of Albany, New York on the map (Go Shaker Bison! I was on the tennis team and we used to kick Saratoga’s butt! #athleticstats!) We haven’t had anyone fun come out of that place since Andy Rooney. Did you notice that the local Times Union even picked you guys up? The story has what might be the best combo of a scary and weird headline of all time: “You could be the dream Craigslist wedding date.” Hilarious!

And when the TU picks you up you know you’ve arrived. My sister and I got our picture in there circa 1992 when we had a lemonade stand at the end of our street in Loudonville. Must have been a slow news day, but I’ll admit our lemonade was the shit. None of that from concentrate nonsense. Did I mention that photo placement changed our lives?

OK. So let’s get to the good stuff, and talk about your list of guarantees for the night.

• An excuse to get dressed up: So does this mean I have to wear an eccentric festive sweater and/or anything patriotic?

• Open bar and food all night: I’m a 29 year-old professional woman who lives in Manhattan, and let me tell you there’s nothing I love more than a guy who doesn’t have to buy me dinner or a drink. 

• Eccentric/downright dangerous bro-2-bro dance moves (may need to sign a waiver): I’m confused here. I get that you’re brothers, but does this mean you’ll both just be dancing with each other all night? If so that’s fine. I know the entire dance to Robyn’s “Call Your Girlfriend.”

• Adventure: In Saratoga? I mean, I guess. It’s not even August. How can there be adventure without horses? If I ever own a horse I’m going to name it Heavens to Betsy.

• Mystery: Will you be wearing masks?

• Suspense: Is this one of those murder-mystery weddings where everyone shows up as a specific character? I went to someone’s birthday like that once when I was in junior high, and it was a lot of fun. I was the murderer.

• True love: 50% of first marriages end in divorce, but I’m really rooting for your cousin. Oh, and speaking of your cousin, how does the bride feel about you guys stealing the thunder from her big day? I'm assuming that’s probably sort of a sore subject at this point. If you choose me I'm definitely going to need some time to beef up on my self-defense skills before we show up. #bridezillas.

• Royalties once our night's story is developed into a romantic comedy*

*if this happens (we estimate the chances at 85%) we refuse the right to let Ashton Kutcher play either of our characters, however, we will consider him for a supporting role. Can we call it “You Could be the Dream Craigslist Wedding Date?” And this sounds more like a Lifetime “based on a true story” movie to me. *People tell me I look like Lizzy Caplan.

Good news for all of us! You won’t believe the exact amazing compliment I’ve been getting from men my whole life. It’s what every girl is dying to hear: “You’re pretty, but not too pretty.” Bingo! Also, I too aspire to be with someone who doesn’t have time to get to know me, and can just make things up when I’m meeting their family for the first time. #keepingitclassy.

Listen, I understand the two of you have some pretty difficult decisions to make here. Getting bombarded by messages from women all trying to convince you to go out with them isn’t easy. Ugh, life is SO hard for guys these days, amiright? But knowing a woman’s high school athletic statistics along with how many jobs she’s had really is the best way to find the right match. So keep pressing on, boys. You have a date with destiny.

And when all is said and done in this American Idol of love and dating you guys have created, I really do believe you’ll both find your Kelly Clarkson’s (or at least the oftentimes more successful runner-up).

So here's to the happy couple! You know, the one that’s getting married.